Reverse Anorexia?

One of the confounding things that happens when I lose weight, is I begin to see how fat I really am.  For instance, I gain the bulk of my weight around the middle.  I don’t notice this when I’m eating whatever I want.  Yeah, it’s tough to zip my pants.  Yes, many shirts aren’t big enough to skim over the spare tires.  But I ignore it.  I think to myself, this is what happens when you eat whatever you want, whenever you want.  Oh, well.

When I begin to lose the weight, I really see the extra pounds on my frame.  Since I’m paying attention to how quickly or slowly the spare tires are receding, I can’t help but notice they’re there.  And how prominent they are.  I begin to look at pictures differently.  Like, did I really wear that on vacation last year?  I thought that looked kind of cute, but it seemed to make me look even rounder.  Then I feel bad for my old self, maybe even a little embarrassed.  There I was, living my life, not knowing how fat I was.  Holy geebuz!  It’s almost like having reverse anorexia.  An anorexic can’t see how thin she’s getting, and I couldn’t see how much weight I was putting on. 

I know from previous experience that no one, other than my mom, will notice any weight loss until I lose about 20 more pounds.  I’m in that fat-girl zone where I look the same, give or take 10 pounds.  I think many of us can get to a spot where we just look fat, and extra pounds one way or another, do not make a difference to our overall appearance.  It’s a good place when you’re gaining, but a difficult place when you’re losing. 

Because I know my mind plays tricks on me, I’m keeping a food log and weighing myself every day.  That way if I gain or lose, I can try to see where the problem is.  It also helps me keep track of my nutrition.  For instance, I was at a mini-plateau for a few days.  I wasn’t eating any grains or added sugars and I stayed at the same weight.  Then, one day I dropped down .8, the next day 1.2.  The lesson learned was to eat as well as I can and the weight will come off.  Maybe not every day, but it comes off. 

Crispy Chicken Skin!

            I’m still on the Primal Blueprint diet, or my version of it.  If I didn’t keep “falling off the wagon”, I’d be real close to Mark Sisson’s version of it.  I’ve been “good” for four days now, and feeling great.  (But I’ve also been more on the diet than off for the past month.) My energy is so much greater.  I’m getting more done and am happier about it.  There’s nothing like dragging my sorry, tired self though my days that makes me really grumpy.

             My biggest hurdle is figuring out what to eat, and often that leads to figuring out what to cook.  There aren’t a lot of primal fast food spots.  I can make do, but I’d prefer to stay away from the ‘bad’ vegetable oils and extra sugars found outside of my kitchen.   Breakfast is turning into an egg or two, scrambled or boiled, along with chopped vegetables or bacon.  Snacks include Greek yogurt (many Primal types stay away from dairy, but I need it as a crutch right now), almonds, or an organic cheese.  I saw a recipe for Primal sushi and I’ve made two versions of it so far.  One, with eggs, for breakfast and the other, with smoked salmon and cream cheese as a mid-morning snack.  Despite how it sounds, I don’t eat dairy every day, but it’s nice to have when craving a treat.

            I have to re-learn how to cook steak.  I'm out of practice.  I can do beef kabobs, with a nice marinade I found on the food network site.  It’s hard finding grass fed beef that doesn’t cost a small fortune.  I haven’t yet taken the leap to talk to the local organic, grass fed beef farmers in the area.  But it’s relatively easy to find wild salmon and organic chicken. 

            It was pretty thrilling the other night to have chicken with the crispy skin on it!  And zucchini and yellow squash gratin.  I think the last time I had gratin was three years ago on Christmas Eve. 

            But here’s the craziest thing, I’m losing weight.  I love that I’m losing weight while eating gratin, steak and chicken skin.   Yeah, once in a while I’ll look longingly at a crusty roll (hence the falling off the wagon).   I loooove candy, and buttery baked potatoes are this close to heaven for me.  But it’s a great trade-off.  I can lose weight and still have meat and cheese, or I can continue to gain weight eating cinnamon buns and M&Ms.  I’ll take the great food and weight loss, please. 

Bummer Wet Blanket

            I have become a bummer wet blanket of a person.  When did this happen?   One of my friends sent me an email that a mutual friend (MF) is set for the gastric band operation.  She, being a positive person, was elated for MF.  I, too, am elated for our friend, but I’m a bummer wet blanket.  I had to ask if MF was going to get therapy afterward.  I have acquaintances who’ve had the surgery, and after a few years, they go back to being nearly as big as they started.  “She really needs to fix the broken eating patterns that she’s had her whole life,” I pompously wrote back.  My friend did not email back.  I don’t blame her.  What can you say to the bummer wet blanket who can’t be thrilled for MF who’s had a massive weight problem all her life?  MF’s wonderful mom died way too young, from a bad heart.   We don’t want that for MF!

             My bummer wet blanket is thrown on everything.  One of the teachers at school lost about 30 pounds with Weight Watchers a couple of years ago.  Last spring, I said to a friend, “It’s creeping back up.”  And, damn, I’m right.  I hate that I’m right.  I gained and lost in a very similar way a few years back—so now I’m an ‘expert’.  A neighbor lost 60 pounds on a rigorous diet, and in two years, she’s gained 50 back.  She was positive she would never allow herself to gain the weight again.  Bummer wet blanket that I am, I preached to my husband, that she can’t eat 900 to 1200 calories a day for the rest of her life.  I give her a year.  Okay, I was right again, but that’s no excuse to be the Eeyore of dieting tips. 

             I had the nerve to tell a friend who has lost about 30ish pounds, and kept it off for years, about how to keep it off even better.  Thankfully, he gave me a funny look and changed the subject.  Next time I offer someone maintenance advice, I’d better be rail thin.  But it goes to show what a bummer wet blanket I’ve become.  I can’t even let successful people alone.  I have to teach them about calorie intake and the food you get the calories from makes a difference.  I’m horrible!

            There’s a reason I’m writing this blog.  All this wonderful “advice” has to go somewhere.  Now, maybe I can leave my friends and family alone. 

Diet Mania

     I was reorganizing some bookshelves last weekend and discovered I’m even more of a Dilettante Dieter than I thought.  Here are the diet books and diet cookbooks that were scattered around various bookshelves in one room:

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Fattening

Intuitive Eating

How to Never Look Fat Again

I Can Make You Thin

Master Your Metabolism Cookbook

The Most Decadent Diet

Eat To Live

The End of Overeating

The Gluten Free Vegan

My Diva Diet

Cook Yourself Thin

The Mediterranean Vegan Kitchen

Shortcuts To Big Weight Loss

The Biggest Loser Fitness Program

Zone Meals in Seconds

Fast Food Fix

Eat This, Not That

The No S Diet

When Food is Love

A Guide To Ending Compulsive Eating

The South Beach Diet

The Biggest Loser Family Cookbook

Rainbow Green Live-Food Cuisine

The Beck Diet

Health and Weight Loss Breakthroughs

8 Minutes in the Morning

Dr.  Atkins’ New Diet Revolution

Eating Well Diet

Low-Carb Bible

Eat to Live

The End of Overeating

Eating By Design

400 Calorie Fix: The Easy New Rule for Permanent Weight Loss!    [You gotta love the !]

You Can Think Yourself Thin

     See?  There’s a reason I’m crazy.  These are just the ones I forgot about over the past decade.  (I have many more scattered throughout the house.)  I learned from some, and others are not worth the time I spent reading them, or the space they take up.  Some of books were bundled into the “give away” pile.  One particularly condescending and ignorant book was thrown against a wall, then dropped into the garbage.  In other rooms, I have at least eight Weight Watchers Cookbooks and tons of point counters for restaurants, point counters for home cooking, etc.  I have been on nearly all of these diets at one time or another in the last fifteen years.  Not a single one of them helped me change my eating habits forever.  Not a single one of them helped me lose and keep the weight off.  Scary.  Crazy scary. 

Insulin and Carbohydrates--Who Knew?

            I have been reading some eye-opening books this past month.  The first one was: The Primal Blueprint by Mark Sisson.  That one led me to: Good Calories, Bad Calories by Gary Taubes, which led me to Why We Get Fat, also by Taubes.  Since my reading usually runs to mysteries, suspense novels and chick lit, I’m a little surprised that I’ve either finished or have nearly finished these books.  

            The big take-away, for me, is most of what I thought I knew about nutrition and weight loss may be wrong.  And, I’m not alone. 

            Here’s a pivotal fact, something I was already aware of, but never looked at in the proper light.   Everyone who’s gone through diabetes training (including my husband), is told carbohydrates raise blood glucose, then the pancreas produces insulin to counter the glucose.  If you spike your blood sugar by eating lots of carbs, or starchy carbs or sugary carbs, the pancreas has to generate more insulin to handle the “overflow”.  Insulin’s regular job is to transport nutrients out of the bloodstream and over to the liver, muscles and fat tissues.  When there is excessive insulin—this inhibits the release of stored body fat.  When there is so much insulin in the bloodstream, glucagon (insulin’s coutner-regulatory hormone) is low.  That means glucagon can’t access carbs protein and fat from your storage deposits and use them for energy.  That means you don’t have fuel in your bloodstream and the body cries out for something carby it can burn immediately.  That means stored fat deposits don’t get used for energy, they just stay as fat. 

            As Mark Sisson writes so well: “It’s as simple as this: you cannot reduce body fat on a diet that stimulates excessive levels of insulin production.”

            As long as we’re increasing our insulin by eating things like bread and cereal, we’re keeping our bodies from burning stored fat.  I don’t know about you, but that was life altering for me.  Why am I eating “healthy” pasta and breads, when they’re keeping my body from burning the stored fat? 

            Yes, I know certain people can efficiently burn off carbs.  They’re the skinny ones.  But as Taubes points out, if you’re overweight, or have become insulin-resistant, you are not one of the lucky ones who can. 

            Taubes’ Good Calories, Bad Calories is almost textbook-like in his reporting of scientific research, the sources of conventional nutrition and historical information.  It’s an incredibly helpful book. 

            I’m going to test this and see if this way of eating works personally for me.  I’m going to eat animal proteins, vegetables (except for starchy ones like potatoes) and fruit.  Oh, and as much animal fat and olive oil as I want.  I’ll keep the amount fruit down, mainly because I’m not that fond of it, not so much because it contains lots of natural sugars. 

            I like eating zucchini and steak, or a big salad with chicken, peppers, carrots and almonds.  I think it’s healthy.  It’s certainly filling.  I’m hoping it helps me drop the weight, keep it off and have me be healthy.    

Exercise

                I don’t know about you, but I have never lost a pound by just doing exercise.  There were years where I ate a relatively healthy diet.  And by “relatively” healthy, I mean it was full of lean proteins, vegetables and fruits, but it was also full in ice cream, buttered popcorn and chocolate.  Oh, and anything you can cover in chocolate: caramels, donuts, nuts, cookies.  You get the idea.  Anyhow, every evening I would get on my exercise bike and do forty minutes.  I’d jump on the bike and watch TV or read and tried to keep my speed consistent.   Then on the weekends, I’d pull on my day-glow exercise shorts and jog-run at the park for two miles.  I was in decent shape.  I didn’t know about heart rates or the importance of lifting weights or leg squats, but from my limited viewpoint, I was doing what I could to keep healthy.

                Considering all the junk I was eating, the exercise probably kept the scale from inching up.  When I was eating “normally” I never dropped a pound from working out.  The only time I would lose weight was when I changed what I was eating.  But even when I was on a 900-1200 calorie diet, exercise would help with stamina and keep me toned, but it never dropped any tonnage. 

                 I envy people who say, “I just kicked up the exercise and the weight dropped off.”  I really do envy them.  I think it’s so much easier doing something, than not doing something in order to lose weight.  By that, I mean it would be great to decide to lose the weight by exercising like a maniac and watch it drop off.  Instead, I have to “not eat”.  Not eat certain foods, not eat at certain times, not eat as much, or not eat as often.  It’s hard for me to “not” do something.  But it’s what actually works.  (And sorry about the split infinitives.  I needed to do it to make a point.)

Trust

                One of the truly bad symptoms of dieting is that I no longer can trust myself.  I know I’m not alone in this.  Here’s the usual scenario: I start a diet.  I do what it takes to lose the weight.  On day eight, nine or ten, I have some candy, or cake or breakfast strudel.  Then, I snap.  Since I’ve had forbidden food, I think, what else have I missed?  What have I been longing for?  Then I eat whatever I can grab. 

                To help me, my kids will start shouting, “Your diet!  What about your diet?”  I will shout back, “None of your business!  Look, is that Pikachu behind the couch?”  While they’re searching, I’ll tiptoe over to their Halloween/Easter/Birthday stash and snag a few more candy bars.  I’ll feel evil laughter building in my throat.  Mwahahaha!

                 My husband has tried to have a few heart-to-heart conversations with me about this.  “Give yourself permission to eat food,” he’ll say kindly.   But I’m too far gone.  I think, what does he know? Who is he to give me advice?  He doesn’t diet.  He doesn’t know what it’s like.

                After a day or so, the storm will calm and I’ll either be back on the diet, or I’ll give up completely.  You can bet good money on this pattern.  Oh, sometimes I’ll make it an entire three weeks before the snap, but it’s going to happen.  I can’t remember the last time I went an entire month.  Oh, wait, Weight Watchers around a year ago—I manipulated the point spread well enough to contain my cheating.  I was “good” for three months.  It didn’t help me lose any weight, but, on paper, I didn’t “cheat”.  

                 So when I find myself radically altering my life to change eating habits, I can’t help but wonder how long will it last?  I don’t have a good track record.  Well, actually I do have a consistent track record.  It’s a track record of eating whatever the heck I want when I want it.  I can always trust myself to revert to that. 

Goals and Changing Diets Again

                What are my dietary goals?  To find a way of eating where I can lose and keep the weight off forever.  I think that’s straightforward.  One of the problems is I want to get a few tons of weight off relatively quickly.  That requires radical eating changes.  Another problem is diets have broken me, so radical eating changes are nearly impossible.  Yeah, I know I sound a little overly dramatic, but I’ve been on diets for decades, and it’s hard for me to stay on any of them for very long.  I mean, look how well diets have worked for me.  I needed to lose 10 pounds to look great in my wedding dress.  I lost it, but gained it all back plus five.  Then I went on a diet to drop the 15.  Lost eight, but gained it all back, plus.  I think you get the picture.  I’ve dieted myself from a size 6 into a size 14.   Now I have all these deprivation and food-control issues.  It’s so tedious, I bore myself. 

                That’s why I flit from diet to diet, trying to find one I can live with.  I do eat a healthy diet, but it’s not enough.  If you followed that silly food pyramid, whichever one the government is promoting this week, that’s a lot of food to eat in one day.  So I keep looking, trying to find something that will keep me healthy and lose the weight. 

                I’ve found something new, and I like it, but I question my ability to stay on it.  I was looking for recipes to perk up the very dull Cycle 1 foods, and ran into some good recipes on Mark’s Daily Apple.  (If you want to take a look, the link is: http://www.marksdailyapple.com)  Then I started to look at the dietary information there.  He promotes a way of eating called the Primal Blueprint.  At first, I wanted to roll my eyes thinking it was one of those caveman eating diets.  You know where you eat bugs and raw meat or something.  This wasn’t that.  He can describe it a thousand times better than me.  But for me it boils down to eating meats, vegetables and fruits.  Healthy, but hard to imagine a life without grains, because that’s a big part of the eating plan—no grains, at all, and stay away from sugar.

                Since I felt so great after a few weeks of not eating any grains or sugars on the 17 Day Diet, I thought this might be an interesting way to live.  So many foods I eat are processed to the point of null nutrition value, and most of the processed foods are grain-based.  The Primal Blueprint is more of a way of thinking and therefore eating, rather than a list of approved and disapproved foods.  There’s a heck of a lot more variety eating this way than on Cycle 1.  But there’s more variety in Cycles 2, 3 and 4—so that’s not the real issue. 

                For me, it’s better than Atkins where I always go nuts after week two because I crave extra cups of salad, carrots and apples.  I get depressed on Atkins.  I need more carbs, and there are plenty of vegetable and fruit based carbs on the PB diet. 

                I was on the PB ‘diet’ for nearly a week and a half.  Then I got the flu.  I’ve been feeling off for days, but then the fever hit and my stomach went crazy.  Coincidence?  That I get a summer stomach flu after radically changing my diet?   Or did I catch it on vacation or from someone at the grocery store?  I have no idea.  On the second day of the fever, I had noodles with my kids, and have been eating processed carbs since.  I’ll go back and try it again.  I like the idea of it.  I’ll have to see how far I can go.

I do love to complain

                I have a hard time with all this cooking.  I like to cook, but not almost every meal, every day.  Then you add cooking for the rest of the family, and I’m in the kitchen for a few hours a day.  I don't know  how to get away from it.  The 17 Day Diet calls for foods cooked without a lot of oils.  Then, there are all those very specific fruits and vegetables.  I think it’s harder when you first start the diet.  I need time to accumulate extras.  I’ll make some soup this week and put most of it in the freezer.  I made a breakfast frittata the other morning and managed to have two pieces left over for lunches the next day.  I roasted a chicken last night for salads, tacos, etc., but my husband and kids managed to eat nearly half, “picking” at it.  I don’t mind that they eat it, it’s much better than “flaming hot” snacks, but I do wish they’d help with the cooking. 

                I don’t know how someone could do this diet without all the cooking.  Breakfast is limited in choices.  I know I can’t make it through the morning on blueberries in Greek yogurt.  I’m hungry in half an hour.  So my other option is egg whites and veggies.  Most mornings I have an egg white scramble with a variety of onions, mushrooms, spinach, tomatoes or salsa.  I boiled a bunch of eggs on Tuesday.  So I don’t necessarily have to cook every morning, but for some reason, I can’t eat hard boiled eggs very often.  

                I’ve debated about supermarket roast chickens.  I don’t know exactly how they cook them, but sometimes they’re very greasy.  They must slather them in some oil before roasting.  Sometimes they’re not cooked all the way through and I have to put them into the oven for another 15-20 minutes.  I may as well roast one of my own.  I still have to wash the roasting pan.  While I’m being “good” on the diet, I don’t want to eat oil saturated chicken.  

                I eat a salad for lunch nearly every day.  I love salads.  I pile them with shredded carrots, strips of peppers, green onions, two types of lettuce or cabbage.  And chicken, I love chicken on my salads.  I’ll poach or sauté the chicken in broth, or grill it on a hot pan with a spray of oil.  I chop extra vegetables for dinner or lunch the next day, but I like things to be fresh, so I can’t chop for more than a day or two in advance.  I also end up eating more vegetables than I plan, or someone else in the household who said they didn’t want a salad, ends up wanting one after they smell or see what’s going on.    

                Yesterday was my youngest’s birthday.  He wanted homemade spaghetti and garlic bread for his birthday dinner.  He also wanted mini pudding pies.  My mom makes a simple, yet great pudding pie for every holiday.  My youngest wanted to make big ones for his family birthday later this month, but wanted to practice making little ones.  So we made yummy little pies.   I’ll admit I had three bites.  They were great.  He was happy.  It was easier ignoring the spaghetti.  I heated up a jar of his favorite sauce and boiled the angel hair pasta.  That was easy.  The garlic bread was a little tougher.  It’s one of my favorites.  I put fresh garlic in butter, then slather that through a loaf of fresh French bread.  We put it in the oven covered in foil, with only part of the top showing.  That makes the middle soft and garlicky, while the outside forms a nice crust.  Ahhhhh, heaven--but I stayed away from it.  I figured the three bites of pie were enough cheating.  He had his favorites, and since I get to eat as much protein as I like, along with great vegetables, I didn’t feel too cheated.  

                All in all, it’s pretty easy sticking to the foods I have to eat, but I need to figure out how to get out of the kitchen more often. 

I Ate My Way Through Oregon

                I just got back from vacation and I’ve gained weight.  Surprise!  I didn’t diet while on vacation.  Actually, I stopped dieting a few days before we left for Oregon.  Cycle 1 of the 17 Day Diet doesn’t allow any sweets or processed carbs.  I knew I was going to eat the continental breakfast served in many of the finer motels along the way.  Since that’s usually a stale bagel, a mini box of sweetened cereal or a stale Danish served alongside urns of bad coffee, I knew I’d fall off the wagon.  And I did. 

                Let’s see, we ate wonderful Voodoo Doughnuts, a Portland specialty.  Then we discovered Oregon has See’s Candy.  Chocolate for everyone!  We had gelato at the mall.  Then we had candy and popcorn at the movies.  Some of the motels have make-your-own-waffle makers, and we did.  Sometimes lunch was grab and go—hot dogs, crispy (fried) chicken sandwiches, tacos with sour cream and cheese.  On our last day in Portland, I felt very sick.  It reminded me of the time when I was around five and had an entire bag of caramels for myself.  I ate most of the bag in one sitting.  It was heavenly until I wanted to vomit.  I was sick for hours.  You’d think I’d have learned. 

                Exercise was limited to walking around the malls, streets and beaches.  That was fun.  I didn’t go near any of the gyms or swimming pools.  (I’d sooner die than be seen in a bathing suit in public.) 

                After having lost eight pounds in nearly four weeks, it felt like I gained back six.  It turns out it was only two.  It’s bad, but it’s better than gaining six.  We drove home yesterday, and I happily went back to Cycle 1 foods. 

What exactly is a dilettante dieter?

I am a dilettante dieter. I try a different diet almost monthly. Right now, I have subscriptions to Jillian Michael's and SparkPeople’s online programs. I have two copies of the 17 Day Diet. I keep my eye on Weight Watchers, but don't belong--right now. I'm always searching the internet for the right diet. My problem is it takes me a long time to get the weight off, and I frequently get too frustrated to continue. I have terrible eating habits. I love chips and anything sweet. I despise diet food. Who wants fiber in your ice cream? Or artificial sweeteners in your oatmeal? How is that healthy? How is that supposed to make me "better"?

I am, depending on my mood, 40 to 60 pounds overweight. The BMI tests place me as fat, but not obese. I think being 5'6" helps, but not too much. I'm usually a size 14, but I don't like to advertise that fact. (I'm sure anyone who looks at me could guess.)

I offer great diet advice. I mean, who better than me to tell everyone the best way to lose weight? I realize I'd have a lot more credibility if I weighed 120 pounds.  The reason I have so much knowledge is, in the past year, I've been on: The No-S Diet, Weight Watchers, eat up to 1200 calories a day diet, Atkins, eat two meals a day diet, eat one meal a day diet, Jillian Michael's diet plan and the 17 Day Diet.  That's just the past 12 months.  Right now, I'm liking the 17 Day Diet. 

This blog is about the journey. It's also a tool to hold myself accountable. You are more than welcome to come along.

I need and want to lose at least 50 pounds. If I keep gaining at this rate, they'll have to bury me in a piano case.  I really don't want that.  I will lose the weight, but I warn you, I am not the most consistent person on the planet. So if you need a consistent partner in this journey, you should find someone else. But if you're serious about losing weight, and a bit of a goof, come along.  Always feel free to offer advice and comments.